… if I actually painted that piece of fence like this?
But I guess it would be easier on me, to make my life more colorful in another way. Like editing my photos into something else. (Or use some kind of fabric)
Anyhow! I hope my tomatoes will turn red eventually. That doesn’t seem 100% likely. Maybe some but not all. This summer has so far been too cold. Not enough sun and warmth. And today it’s raining!
At the same time it hasn’t been raining enough either lately.
“It can never rain too much before midsummer”, my dad used to say. And he knew what he was talking about as son of a farmer and always had a big garden himself.
And it has certainly not rained enough before midsummer this year. In many places it’s water shortage, and restricted how much we can water the gardens.
We are spoiled here in Sweden! We are used to have plenty of water! And some people are stupid, many times they even water their lawns. Stupid, since if anything can stay alive even after long time of drought – it’s grass. They just don’t want their lawns to turn yellow. It’s ugly.
Those people are spoiled, stupid, and can’t think longer than their own noses.
Todays rain! Actually! I’m happy about that! Not only because the soil needs water. I have also an excuse too stay indoors today. Don’t get me wrong! I never force myself to go out, take a bike ride somewhere, or a walk. I can hardly stop myself from that! But sometimes it’s also very good to stay indoors. To do other stuff. And so far I’m stuck in front of the computer. One post here… planning on another to the Small Kitchen blog… maybe som reading then… bake a cake for afternoon tea…
Tomatoes or no tomatoes, if they get the warmth and time they need too ripen isn’t the most important thing in the world.
But it would be very nice!
It’s been a cold summer so far. Just some day now and then with warm air and hot sunshine. But I guess the warmth will come. After all – it’s possible to sit on the patio in sunny afternoons.
My plants don’t grow very fast. The geraniums and the tomato plant I’ve had for a while, at least they’re still alive. And there are some small green tomatoes slowly getting bigger. Eventually they will be red and sweet.
The lobelia and tagetes plants I bought the day before yesterday, and particularly the lobelias are supposed to grow really big. Like long, fluffy, curly – dark blue-purple – hair.
But another furniture superstore. Not as big as Ikea, but certainly not small. MIO!
I was there to buy myself a decent bed. And I found one which I liked very much and chose. Can’t sleep on the sofa in the long run. Been doing that for 6 months. And been living here in my new apartment in my hometown, after moving back, for 2 months.
How fast time passes by…
The renovation of the room – painting all over, new wallpapers and a really nice parquet flooring of oak – is done. So it was about time to get a bed and some other new stuff, and I thought a bed was the most important.
I think that white book shelf is very appealing… Maybe? Sometime?
Things happen when you move to another city. At least they happen to me. And suddenly there seems to be so much to write about – that the mind goes completely blank.
Two days after the “landing”, the Fatigue hit me. And a hint of a cold. Nothing awkward about that! I had been working quite hard! Both before as well as on the moving day.
So a had quite bad couple of days with tiredness, awful stiffness and pain in the body, didn’t sleep well – and the sciatic pain came back. To and fro I even felt some nausea, but I never got really sick. No fever, no puking, not even particularly much sneezing and such.
Then I started to bike! For 10 days of 11, I biked 95,24 km. Some of those days I biked like 15 km, some others maybe like 5. One day I rested and did other things. It must have been rainign a lot that day.
On day 13 I got serious training-pain in my legs. Especially in my thighs and around the knees. Two days later I could hardly bike at all. My legs got all shaky of the activity. Almost the entire body got all shaky! A very unpleasant feeling. Fearful, actually. What was wrong with me? Is my body so low in Magnesium? But I eat…..
Or is it Potassium I lack?
(I have this nasty habit of frightening myself sometimes. That’s my bad, black imagination. Mostly totally groundless in the reality.)
You see, a couple of days earlier I had increased my daily dosage of Magnesium. My friend Maria had reminded me that stress makes the body use very much Magnesium. And I have been living in stress for a long time, and now the move to this city as top of it
“But I already take extra supplement”, I said.
“But perhaps not enough?”
And that was true! I realized that. The spasms in the back muscles and legs, and the flickering my heart did sometimes should have told me that without having to be reminded by Maria. And then that shaky day on top of it, due to all the extra biking! Why am I so blind of myself?
Nevertheless! That shaky day I had a couple of bananas, ate a load of cashew nuts, took an extra capsule of Magnesium and that was that.
After a couple of days most of the training pain had decreased, and the heart didn’t try to run away any longer. Now I can bike ordinarily again, but I take it a bit easy. Don’t want to overdo it again. Giving myself time!
Then the snow came! For a whole night it snowed, and it was really beautiful the next morning. Especially since the sun was shining from a clear blue sky. And the snow started to melt.
But all of it didn’t melt! When the evening came the temperature fell to below zero. It was last friday and in the evening I was supposed to visit one of my daughters. Though… she lives 3 km away… and I bike… always… and it was really icy… so I didn’t go there.
Instead I entered the nearby grocery store while still outdoors.. Among other things I bought a big pack of Nacho chips, and a small bag of mixed candy. The kind of candy made of nuts and almonds and dried fruit and covered with sugary yoghurt or chocolate.
I usually don’t buy such “treats”! Haven’t done for a really long time. Stupid me…
I had had something with beans to eat just an hour or two earlier, so I wasn’t hungry. I sat down in front of my computer screen, started to watch some movie – and ate crisps. And candy. And more crisps. It started to feel like scorches in my mouth corners. It almost burnt. Was the crisps too crispy? Too salty? Too much preservatives and other such shit in them? (Now you know why I normally don’t buy crisps and such…)
To make this particular story end here and now, I’ll just say: this was late Friday evening. Sunday noon those nasty salty evils, burnt their way out, and my Sunday wasn’t pleasant at all. And on top of that I ate too much. But no crisps…
Now it’s monday evening and I have eaten a huge bowl of mixed sallad for lunch, and a huge plate of boiled haricot vertes for dinner. Much better. I. Feel. Good.
What have I done for fun then? (Wasn’t this fun?)
Well – been meeting friends… been knitting wrist-warmer… been reading… been visiting a flee market (indoors)… been biking (without overdoing it)… been shopping in a (for me) new grocery store where they have lots of varieties of fruits and veggies, and to very sympathetic prices!!!! That’s a good thing!!!
Yes! It is wonderful to live here! And that I so easily could find some of my old friends and at the same times meet new people that I now consider being friends.
Just wondering… is this house still there? Nine years have gone since I visited this area. What does it look like in the summer? When the trees and bushes are green, how much of the house can you see from the road? And the people who live there? Do they only live there during the summer, or all year around? Questions arise in my mind, I won’t get any other answers than my imagination gives me.
It seems to be nostalgically romantic, doesn’t it?
For the time being I’m the lousiest photographer ever. Well, I never consider myself being a photographer, but you know what I mean, I guess. I never take any pictures any longer! Other than occasionally one or two from where I live, or just around the corner.
A friend of mine helped me understand why. I’m suffering from something I don’t no what it’s called in English. A burnout, we say here in Sweden. Or as it also is called, a “Mental Fatigue Syndrome” due to stress for a long time.
I knew I had been living in stress for several years which I couldn’t do anything about, and it was a huge relief when I retired in January. It took some time but slowly I started to feel better. My ability to concentrate came back, I could read again, it was fun to blog, I started to work on my novel again and I put in a lot of time and energy. It was SO fun! I loved every minute of it! I also enhanced my biking tours, and in beginning of May I was very hopeful about my health and my future.
That was what I thought! But it didn’t last! Everything started to hurt more then ever before. An inflammation in the hip area, sciatic pain started may 2nd which now runs down both legs. Back and neck pain. Stiffness. Bad sleep. Frustration. Good days mixed with bad days. Hope and hopelessness.
I concentrated on the pain and the inflammation. Turmeic, garlic, ginger, healthy food. Tried to exercise little at a time but every day. Yes, at first I could still read, write, blog, and I did ride my bike – but not as much as I had wanted.
Actually! Biking helped me soften the sciatica and the muscles, since it was very difficult to stand and to walk.
Every morning after breakfast I biked somewhere, and could reasonably well manage the rest of the day. If I didn’t sit too much and for too long periods.
Then about a month ago I realised I became even more tired, irritated, couldn’t concentrate. I even screamed straight out when things messed with me, which I normally never do. I called it ADHD-outbursts and got a bit amazed. I had never done that before. Been screaming and throwing things around me.
My novel became undoable to work with, I was unable to do anything it seemed. I dropped all and everything on the floor. Couldn’t force myself to do the dishes properly, or clean the apartment… my bathroom is semi-icky, my kitchen is icky-icky. I kind of lost myself and couldn’t understand why!
But I have a friend who lives not far away from me. She’s diagnosed with this “mental fatigue syndrome” and had earlier said that I also suffered from it.
“Oh no”, I said then. “I have fibromyalgia and inflammation around the hip bones and sciatic pain. It will pass! Turmeric works! And all the green stuff I eat… bla… bla…. bla…
The truth was, I did eat a lot of healthy food, but I got so bored with it I almost could scream! So between periods with kale and spinach, vegan stuff and super berries, I just had to have bacon or grilled chicken or something with eggs. And got frustrated since nothing seemed to help! I failed to follow the diet I had put on to myself! All those extra vitamins and minerals. I failed with everything.
I did bike, I did try to take walks, I did do my gymnastic training with rubber bands and such. And I did create those posters I had to do. But it was difficult, and I always managed too little, and with too much painful reactions! Or extra fatigue.
And all this THINKING ABOUT GETTING WELL!
All this TRYING! All this LOSS OF ENERGY!
Takes hours of trying to do something – and still you don’t do it! The dishes for example. Or putting books aside since you can’t understand even one word. Not even being able to watch a movie! Not going anywhere, meeting people. Feeling lonely and depressed – no one loves me, no one misses me, no one cares! Crying. A lot of crying!
Then it was revealed to me, the main cause was mostly psychological! Stress! And that I kept on stressing myself! Probably an inflammation as well, but that wasn’t the main issue, not the starting point. The pain wasn’t the starting point.
I felt really relieved after that conversation with my friend. That and the easy-understanding article she had me read. And she also very clearly pointed out – “You Ninna, are an HSP! A Highly Sensitive Person!”
So after about a month of hitting the bottom (bounce bounce), this big AHA made me feel a bit better. Not well, but better. I’ll now try: not to try so much, not to worry, not to bother. It won’t be easy, but at least it is a way that seems to be the right one. And I’ve written this now. HUGE!
I couldn’t stop pondering how many hours it would take me to finish this blog post. Probably most of the day. And I, who wanted to write something about this in Swedish as well!!! Too much for me to perform now? Probably… At least I have written this. And in English!!! So how many hours did it take? I’m not quite sure. Four?
More enjoyable than fun, maybe…
More beautiful than fun, maybe…
But the entire sky, every cloud there was, was pink, orange, golden…
even when I first saw the beauty, facing east
the photos don’t do the moment justice WPC: fun
I have this one, Words & Pics, which for a long time has been the primary blog. If I leave a comment somewhere and you click on the link there, you’ll end up here. Up till now, that is!
I have Small Kitchen – more for you, my readers, to get inspired, then to get proper recipes. I’m totally lousy when it comes to write recipes. And to follow, for that matter. I had also intended to write about food, about nutrition, about HEALTHY FOOD! – But I never seem to get along with that… So far…
And I have my Swedish blog, Min ostyriga penna – (My uncontrollable Pen, is the closest translation to that. Or is it better with: My disorderly Pen? HAHAHA!)
Anyhow, I have decided to write more on that blog, and hopefully get more readers as well. The tagline is: Om livet som det är och om att starta om på nytt – Which is something like: “About life as it is, and about how to start it fresh” (Oh gosh! What a lousy translation! But you get the idea, don’t you?”)
And I’m now – simply speaking – just making my Swedish blog the primary one!
Consequences? As far as I know, only that when you click on my link at some comment I’ve written ON SOME OTHER BLOG THAN THIS, you’ll end up on my Swedish blog instead of on this one. And over there I’ve already added a widget with the link, for you to click on and come over here.
It’s actually the same as now, mais au contraire…
What I’ll write about? Mainly about how to create a new life after retirement and – more important – after the mental burnout. This also includes starting to write fiction again! I lost that due to the burnout, and I want that ability back!!!! I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT And to read, to meet people, to… start living my life again!!!
Yes of course I could do that here as well, writing in English; and I will keep on writing and posting here! I just want to write in Swedish too! And hopefully get more friends there, here, closer to where I live! I would love to have more friends, in real life. I’m way too lonely as it is. I long for friends!
Time passes on, things changes and the sun keeps on shining. Sometimes from behind the clouds, but nevertheless – it’s shining!
Last friday was a kind of a milestone for me. Becoming a retiree, saying Goodbye to this “unemployment-activity-life” I’ve participated in for some time now, and as an extra bonus – moving to this new apartment of mine. It’s wonderful! WONDERFUL!
But that afternoon, last Friday after having (a late) lunch, with coffee and a left-over-piece of that almond cake afterwards, I just sat there in my sofa. I didn’t do much after that. Actually nothing at all but watching some movies and playing endless rounds of patience, all by my self!
LUFTEN GICK UR MIG!!! (I have absolutely no idea of how that expression can be said in English. ‘I suddenly had no air left in me’? Which shouldn’t be taken literally)
Likewise the entire Saturday, and on Sunday morning my right knee hurt so much I could hardly stand on that leg, no less walk. I had caught a cold, or rather my muscles and stiff joints had done so.
So typical! And to add more fun to this, it snowed and snowed and snowed… and it got colder and colder which certainly isn’t my weather at all… and – I admit – it also became very beautiful. All white and clean, even the branches on trees and bushes got all white. Almost like in a Disney-movie.
Photos? I couldn’t go out!!! Well, a little. Short and slow. Knee-pain and slippery roads don’t go well together. And added to that – I’m a coward…
Okay! I did take some photos! From my patio and from the front of my house.
Funny! How such beautiful motives can end up in such hopelessly boring photos!
Sooooooo… Sometimes you just have to let go of everything and do nothing but laze around. And I did! I still am.
And I had to TALK to me! Talk sense to me!
I had to say: Take it easy! You have gone through some huge changes here! Let it take the time it takes!
(I was dreaming of summer and biking and walking and laughing and moving around and writing and feeling young and easy and photographing and making pictures and being fully mobil and active och happy and enjoying life and…. ey!!! You know!!!!!)
And today… I kind of feel… like getting back on the track again…
I have even cleaned up here…
(Havn’t done the dishes though…
I love my apartment!
I love my life!
I love myself!
Everything is just the way it’s supposed to be!
These days, with tooth ache and all, besides all the movie watching and sleeping, I have also been trying to get some order among my photos. Should have done that a long time ago. Well! Better late than never, I guess.
Together with (stupid but sometimes fun) Griswold in N.L Vacation, I browsed my food-photos. Found this. Laughed. (I like the N.L. Christmas Vacation movie though.)
I wonder what I was thinking about when editing this photo! Imaginative though!
And the non-gluten pizza? Don’t remember. But think it tasted good.
How often do we actually see the whole picture of something…?
I can’t tell exactly what I did with them when editing! I never can. I know that many of you who edit pictures, know and add notes of every step you take, can tell exactly what filters, how much saturation… you know and you keep track of all the data.
Including the camera data. Light, speed… whatever…
Sorry but I can’t! I have tried! But I lose myself and I lose the inspiration.
I can say exactly the same as one of my friends say about how she works – she’s a real painter, I mean she paints on canvas, paper and in different techniques – we are intuitive artist! We go on by inspiration and what feels good in the moment! Where the intuition leads us!
And at that time stop to take notes????
I can’t! Have tried! I lose myself.
It’s quite intriguing how different one and the same picture will look, depending of what editing tools you use! The options are endless.
* In the upper right corner you can see, at least glimpses of, a painting my friend have made. I felt something for that painting…. and now it’s mine…
I’ve been lacking energy lately. Not tired in the sense I’ve been sleeping too little, just didn’t manage to make some extra effort out of what I have to do during the daily work. I’ve hardly cooked any food, was shopping food in the weekend, and the flat now look like a total mess. I had decided to be cleaning up today, but had great difficulties in forcing me to do so.
Well okay and all right! It’s still winter and there’s a fierce blizzard is walking all over Sweden, luckily not here. Here it’s just a storm.
Some time ago I switched off the photo stream between my devices. My photos was in such a mess. Just like me, in other words.
As time kept on passing by, I realized I missed having photos on the iPad. To be more correct – I missed my ever-going-on photo editing on the pixlr-app on the iPad. Well, I hadn’t been doing much photo-editing at all!!!
And kept on being more and more drained of energy – a coincidence?
However! After actually have done some domestic work today, (how extra-ordinary) I switched on the photo stream again. Only between the Mac and the iPad though.
Not one single one photo flew over – thats how long since I took any new photos! More than 30 days!
So I had to take at least one. Just to put it to test! Had to make sure everything was functioning as it was supposed to! With the iPad. With its new enhanced possibilities.
Opened the app… and started to play around with filters and colors and fantasy and feelings!
It was wonderful! I kind of felt how new energy started to flow in my veins! I forgot all about time and other matters and just kept on creating!
I HAD BEEN STARVING FOR CREATIVITY FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS!!!!!
And now! One photo! I took ONE photo only!
One photo alone -and made five different creations!
So how on earth can this be… SMALL? When it’s… HUGE!!!