Fell into flow. Made an image – and then another one…
Fell into flow. Made an image – and then another one…
… what your imagination might tell you about deep, dark waters . It may be all wrong…
In the middle of everything.
Just wondering… is this house still there? Nine years have gone since I visited this area. What does it look like in the summer? When the trees and bushes are green, how much of the house can you see from the road? And the people who live there? Do they only live there during the summer, or all year around? Questions arise in my mind, I won’t get any other answers than my imagination gives me.
It seems to be nostalgically romantic, doesn’t it?
Early spring, a lovely sunny day some years ago.
Soon moving from here and now…
… to there and later
which then will be –
here and now!
(P.S. There is actually no snow here right now – nor there.)
For the time being I’m the lousiest photographer ever. Well, I never consider myself being a photographer, but you know what I mean, I guess. I never take any pictures any longer! Other than occasionally one or two from where I live, or just around the corner.
A friend of mine helped me understand why. I’m suffering from something I don’t no what it’s called in English. A burnout, we say here in Sweden. Or as it also is called, a “Mental Fatigue Syndrome” due to stress for a long time.
I knew I had been living in stress for several years which I couldn’t do anything about, and it was a huge relief when I retired in January. It took some time but slowly I started to feel better. My ability to concentrate came back, I could read again, it was fun to blog, I started to work on my novel again and I put in a lot of time and energy. It was SO fun! I loved every minute of it! I also enhanced my biking tours, and in beginning of May I was very hopeful about my health and my future.
That was what I thought! But it didn’t last! Everything started to hurt more then ever before. An inflammation in the hip area, sciatic pain started may 2nd which now runs down both legs. Back and neck pain. Stiffness. Bad sleep. Frustration. Good days mixed with bad days. Hope and hopelessness.
I concentrated on the pain and the inflammation. Turmeic, garlic, ginger, healthy food. Tried to exercise little at a time but every day. Yes, at first I could still read, write, blog, and I did ride my bike – but not as much as I had wanted.
Actually! Biking helped me soften the sciatica and the muscles, since it was very difficult to stand and to walk.
Every morning after breakfast I biked somewhere, and could reasonably well manage the rest of the day. If I didn’t sit too much and for too long periods.
Then about a month ago I realised I became even more tired, irritated, couldn’t concentrate. I even screamed straight out when things messed with me, which I normally never do. I called it ADHD-outbursts and got a bit amazed. I had never done that before. Been screaming and throwing things around me.
My novel became undoable to work with, I was unable to do anything it seemed. I dropped all and everything on the floor. Couldn’t force myself to do the dishes properly, or clean the apartment… my bathroom is semi-icky, my kitchen is icky-icky. I kind of lost myself and couldn’t understand why!
But I have a friend who lives not far away from me. She’s diagnosed with this “mental fatigue syndrome” and had earlier said that I also suffered from it.
“Oh no”, I said then. “I have fibromyalgia and inflammation around the hip bones and sciatic pain. It will pass! Turmeric works! And all the green stuff I eat… bla… bla…. bla…
The truth was, I did eat a lot of healthy food, but I got so bored with it I almost could scream! So between periods with kale and spinach, vegan stuff and super berries, I just had to have bacon or grilled chicken or something with eggs. And got frustrated since nothing seemed to help! I failed to follow the diet I had put on to myself! All those extra vitamins and minerals. I failed with everything.
I did bike, I did try to take walks, I did do my gymnastic training with rubber bands and such. And I did create those posters I had to do. But it was difficult, and I always managed too little, and with too much painful reactions! Or extra fatigue.
And all this THINKING ABOUT GETTING WELL!
All this TRYING!
All this LOSS OF ENERGY!
Takes hours of trying to do something – and still you don’t do it! The dishes for example. Or putting books aside since you can’t understand even one word. Not even being able to watch a movie! Not going anywhere, meeting people. Feeling lonely and depressed – no one loves me, no one misses me, no one cares! Crying. A lot of crying!
Then it was revealed to me, the main cause was mostly psychological! Stress! And that I kept on stressing myself! Probably an inflammation as well, but that wasn’t the main issue, not the starting point. The pain wasn’t the starting point.
I felt really relieved after that conversation with my friend. That and the easy-understanding article she had me read. And she also very clearly pointed out – “You Ninna, are an HSP! A Highly Sensitive Person!”
So after about a month of hitting the bottom (bounce bounce), this big AHA made me feel a bit better. Not well, but better. I’ll now try: not to try so much, not to worry, not to bother. It won’t be easy, but at least it is a way that seems to be the right one. And I’ve written this now. HUGE!
I couldn’t stop pondering how many hours it would take me to finish this blog post. Probably most of the day. And I, who wanted to write something about this in Swedish as well!!! Too much for me to perform now? Probably… At least I have written this. And in English!!! So how many hours did it take? I’m not quite sure. Four?
the old table
the ultimate ending
endings includes a beginning
a new morning
new green leaves
what about the table?
it may seem as if we are framed
but go outside the frame
and you will get a new perspective
maybe even see – the whole
there are no frames
we just think so
and there is no death
It’s just an ordinary summer day,
with boringly endless sand
and the sun hidden in southwest.
The water seems to be mostly grayish.
Dark clouds are heaping up from the horizon,
and there’s a chill stroking down your spine.
Nothing seems to be what it really is.
Jubilant and thankful! For the summer, the richness of the nature, the beauty. Life. Creativity. Fantasy. Love. Being thankful never stops!
Maybe even for catching a cold? A real cold for once with all normal ingrediences! Though it isn’t particularly fun to spend days in bed instead of on the bike or on the patio, reading or writing. But it will pass!
Sunday afternoon when this cold begun, I got a very distinct feeling this cold was actually very good for me. That it was helping my body to set things right. Help it heal further, both psychologically and physically. Living with stress for years and years isn’t good at all, and I’m realizing more and more that things happens when the stress is gone! A lot of things are happening in the body because of the release!
There are hours and days with total peace and happiness, feeling relaxed and enjoying life. But also hours and days with depressive symptoms, crying, fatigue, anger, despair. And that sore throat/bronchitis thing for more than a month. The ischial pain down the leg that is still haunting me. And days in between not feeling good at all. And now this cold. The whole thing is surprising, fantastic, awful, wonderful…
What makes me going, even through the bad days, is that I know I’m going through a huge change. And during a change – or a healing process of any kind – one does feel worse before it’s settling down and one starts to feel better more permanently. So – actually – I’m getting better!
AND! This cold now shows that my immunesystem is now functioning as it’s supposed to do. It’s reacting normally! This is the proper way to handle a virus infction! With fever and all! And hopefully for no more than a week or so.
The pictures are from my “bikewalk” this Sunday, before the cold.
That’s today, I mean, May 10th, but five years ago.
It was a mere coincidence! If there is such a thing…
I browsed my photos a couple of days ago and picked some that could do well to “Earth”. And now when I had edited this one, considered myself to be satisfied with the outcome, and drag it into WP – that’s the moment I realized todays date is May 10th. Just like the day I took this photo 2011.
What I mean by this chit-chat? Well! Nothing really. At least I don’t think so. It was, and is, a lovely day. But I haven’t been out in the woods and seen any anemones this year. Yet. So much to do, so little time…
One of the most summer-ish fragrances – for me – is when the rapeseed fields are in full bloom. And in just a couple of days, maybe already tomorrow thanks to the warm, sunny weather, this field will be all intense yellow.
The fragrance! Spicy, thick, tender, wonderfully overwhelming…
I’ll keep my eyes – and nose – on this field for some time now. Unfortunately it won’t remain in full bloom for long – so better use every available day now to bike there, and just enjoy.
Can anyone, anything compares with the creator?
And if it isn’t!
Make it so.