Yes sometimes I really do feel frustrated and just want to give up.
Okay! I have slowly been able to increase my biking-tours and I can even walk a bit more now. I’m especially proud of my biking skills now, there are days I bike between 15 to 18 kilometer – if not every day – and I feel my muscles are so much stronger and my heart is stronger so I’m able to push myself more. So despite the fact I still have to walk the bike up some hills and slopes, there are others that I can “climb”. And all this is a huge improvement since February this year. (I have to remind me that sometimes)
But! I still live in pain and stiffness. Often my back feels like a huge knot, and the worst is that it feels all the way up in my head and down the legs. So… yes… sometimes I feel frustrated and want to give up. Will this excessive stiffness – as a board of oak actually – ever go away? Okay okay! I feel better than seven months ago, but still!
I feel like I’m doing the best I can! Am I that BAD that I’ll never succeed getting fit and well! 😦 Will I ever be fit enough to live a normal physical life? A life like I used to live!
Yes! I despair sometimes, and then I have to remind myself that my health HAS grown better. I AM stronger and can move my body a bit more easily. I still have trouble sleeping, but I sleep better now. Most nights. And I have also started to bike downtown lately. I have had trouble with that since it is quite uphill to get back home again. And I choose the less steep streets…
That in turn, have made it possible for me to visit the main City Library, some museums – and some cafeterias. And it is fairly easy now to visit the huge mall just outside the city. Go there for a while, and then bike back home again.
So yes! I have a much better life now.
And still there are days when the back is just too stiff, my head is stuck and I feel unsteady and weird… and I get frustrated and want to give up.
BUT! What is this “give up”? How is it done! What is it I want to give up! I just want to get rid of the pain and the stiffness!!! I don’t want to start eating unhealthy food… nor start smoking… nor eating sweets and sugary cookies… I don’t want to spend my days in the sofa, hidden from people and live outdoor. And I don’t want to feel sorry about myself! And I certainly don’t want to give up biking. I love to bike, have always loved to bike, and have biked a lot – and that is what helps my muscles let go of the stiffness I wake up with every morning. At least most of it so I can deal with the day. Biking!
There are just those days…
I guess we have them all… just in different shapes and colors…
How to find time to read them all…
Guess we can’t…
Why is that so difficult!
I’m not depressed, but still it is like I don’t have the ability to do something! I read! That’s good. And I love spending time with my daughter and her family. That’s also good. I also bike more and more and I love it! I bike to the mall, or downtown, or to some park. There are people around me. Sometimes I sit down for a while having coffee or something to eat. It’s nice! But on those occasions I’m always alone. I need to be alone – but I don’t want to be alone so much as I am. Recently I’ve felt like I don’t want to go back home again. Even though I’m not with anyone, at least there are people around me whether I spend time at Ikea, at the mall or at some coffe-shop.
I want to write, but when I put myself in front of the Mac, everything goes blank. Black blank. And I feel like I don’t want to. Never. Ever. Again. I don’t feel like blogging anymore (have been blogging since 2007); or visit Facebook (don’t have to); or do anything on Instagram. (well). and I have no idea whatsoever what kind of story, novel or such I want to write. Total blockage!
I also have to force myself to cook proper, nutritious food, to clean my apartment, to go to places – other then when I at daytime bike around in the surroundings… all I seem to do, is the absolute musts – and then sit on the patio or in my sofa, reading or watching movies.
At the same time, I know I actually am a writing person! I have always wanted to be a respectable, published author! I have the skills! And I have been writing stories and other stuff almost my entire life! So what is happening now!
I have one hint, why it’s like this now. My life has changed a lot after leaving work, and moving back home. I’m so happy about that, but I thought I would feel better both physically and psychically much sooner. I’ve been “work-free” for 19 months, and back home for 7, for God’s sake!
Okay! The blogging and overall Internet parts in my life, is closely related to those 11 years I lived in the other city. And since I never really felt at home there, my sub-conscious mind probably tries to delete everything that is connected with that city. It’s logical! And that’s why, I guess, I also have some difficulties to start fresh here, with this blog.
Any other reason to why I feel this numbness? I don’t know. At least not for now. But I’ll keep on trying to write here about whatever it will be. And that’s why I – for now – prefer to be as privat as possible. To heal, to land, to let go of all bull-shit inside of me.
… it’s too early in the morning so there will be no morning pages today… either…
Where did I go?
I don’t understand a single thing…
Well, I do. Some. But nevertheless I wonder why my life has become so different from what I thought it would be.
And I don’t mean the entire life! I just refer to the last couple of months! How it is now in regards of how it was before moving back to my hometown. I thought I should feel better in every way!
Well I do feel better in many ways! I’m back home, for godness sake! I’m with my family again, and I don’t feel so lonely any longer, and not so hopeless.
But, though I now have enhanced my muscles and can ride my bike more and for longer trips, it seems impossible for me to bike as far distances as I actually want to. My back pain has increased, and the muscles stiffen for almost no cause at all. I’m very tired, don’t sleep particularly well, and have to force myself even to do the most ordinary must-do’s at home. Like cleaning and such.
I don’t write! I was supposed to take more photos, all the city around, I was supposed to blog more – and actually write blog posts! Not only post an image or two!
But when I open any of my blogs with the intent to write something, I just feel a big
NO! I CAN’T!
I was also supposed to start working on some novel or short stories! Be regularly with my writings. Like everyday letting something out from my mind through my fingers.
And I do nothing of the sort!
Why? Is this temporary?
Okay! I see a lot more of my family of course, and I really love that, but I don’t see them everyday. And I read books again – that’s a good thing
Should it take this long to adapt to new better circumstances? To a new, but well-known, habitat?
Should it take this long to let go of old stress? To leave behind loneliness and despair?
I have lived here for almost five months now!
So where did I go?
I do understand some things…
Why stress during a long time – years actually – makes such a impact on us. Makes us ill. And it takes time to recover. Even under the best circumstances.
I have had ideas for posts, have even written a couple! But then I have freaked out, and didn’t post them. Is it really that hard to start new? To make a new beginning?
I have actually been blogging for over 10 years now, but wanted something different. Another theme, so to speak, and by that I don’t mean the visible appearence of the blog. I want to write about different things. Not about the shallow dayly doings. I want to write about things that matter, about life, about growth. Spiritual and mental growth, mostly – but without being too stuck about that either.
Oh! And I just want to go on with my life also when it comes to writing! And I picture myself writing about philosophy perhaps, psycology maybe, history, religion, about taking care of the earth, the nature, the bees, the all and everything!
But mostly about the spiritual realm and how to grow as a soul living in a human being.
Is it really that difficult?
And I don’t have to write about philosophy et cetera! That may very well be to overdo the whole writing-thing!
Oh! I guess I’m so blocked when it comes to “open my mouth” about what I think and feel in this matter, that that makes it hard to begin.
This must be a threshold, doesn’t it? A threshold to the next step in my inner growing. To overcome this fear of revealing myself to others. If only on the net…
… and lately there have been quite many good ones.
In a couple of days I’ve been living here for four months. It must have been the best thing I’ve ever done, moving back home. To my hometown. To where my families live!
Long live workdays!
But LONG LONG LOOONG LIVE being a retiree, who’s finally been able to move back home again!!!
It’s not only the kids and their families. It’s the city itself as well. The old friends – and the new ones. People in general! The surroundings! The woods, the fields, the ocean, the – everything! Even the huge indoor/outdoor mall only about 3 miles away! It’s fun to go there. All the shops, boutiques, stores. Restaurants. Coffeshops. Ikea… people…
I’ve been too much alone for too long, so I kind of revel in mingling with people even though I don’t know them, don’t talk to them. I buy myself a cup of coffee, sit down for a while, and just watch them passing by. Listening to their voices, to the background music. Enjoying being in this energetic flow.
Funny! I’m actually more of an introvert than an extrovert, or maybe a mix of both in some way. But too much silence, loneliness and lack of intellectual and emotional stimulation can do this. Then you just have to engulf what you need, to fill you up.
And other hours I bike or walk alone in the woods, along the fields, at the beach…
I still very much need that too…
I intended to!
I wanted to!
I need to!
But I don’t.
I quibbled a bit over my whatever-it-is on my Swedish blog yesterday, and felt ashamed afterwards because I quibbled. I don’t want to be or appear negative! I want to see things from the bright side, to be happy and positive! Not to be negative and see things on the black scale.
I do want, though, to write my heart out in the purpose of letting go of the past, of bad experiences, of the millions of thoughts that occupy my mind. But not even once I have done so!
One day I was thinking about writing something about loneliness – but I never came around doing it. Didn’t even start… didn’t try…
Another day I decided to test my BeFocused app, and write for 30 minutes about whatever came to my mind. It went surprisingly well! Only for the last 4-5 minutes or so, I had difficulties to find words!
Now, just a couple of days later I can’t remember what I wrote. Not one single thing! I don’t even remember if I were quibbling or not! Maybe that’s good?
I should really do some more of that stuff. Not every day is a biking day! Some days it rains! Literally!
I want to, and I would benefit immensely from it.
Write my heart out!
On any subject that comes to my mind. Get rid of frustrations, sadness, anger – I have realized I still have that issue inside of me – but also indulge myself in all the positive feelings I have. I really do have those too!
It’s scary. Scary to be more personal and let go of what’s inside. I’m not even sure I know what’s going on in there! Well! Some of course! And I know I have to do this if I ever want to be totally healthy. Psychologically, physically and… yeah… all of me.
I need to pour my heart out. But to others? Do I dare to? And can I? I mean… when I think about this, that I ought to write, it’s like a blockage comes over me. My mind goes totally blank, and thus I don’t even write one single word! I don’t even go near the Apple-machine! Except for watching a movie or doing some solitaire…. jigsaw puzzle… what ever…
However I decide to do this, publicly on the blog or only secretly to myself – that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I do it! But maybe it’s funnier and in a way easier, to do it here on the blog. Maybe blogging about it gives me that kick in the ass I need – to get around my issues? The benefit of feeling like I’m actually “talking” to somebody!
Can I do it? Will I do it?
At least I’ll try!
And YES! There is really high time to move on with my life!
These are some of the writing tip-offs I found via Facebook, get the rest of them here: Write something every day
BUT! Can anyone tell me HOW to do that?
I don’t dwell the past very much, certainly don’t fret about it. Of course I haven’t forgot everything, but remembering and fretting is certainly not the one and the same! And really shouldn’t be!
My “problem” is the present. To not bother about what can be considered “bad”, and instead concentrate on what is “good”. I can in a way! I do in a way! But certainly I need to be better at that.
So! How do I do “Let go” when it’s said you shouldn’t “do” anything! Just be!
I want to “Just Be” as much as possible. To be, and stay in the Present. (It IS a gift!)
But I know for sure I have moved on, and maybe I am still doing it! Moving on.
Maybe I just haven’t landed yet!
… and this, maybe, can be of some help…
I’m not sure. On my way through life, obviously, but exactly where?
On the whole I feel fine! But I have no particular appetency to do anything particular. I want to take a nap after lunch, to read, to sit on the patio sunny hours och meet some friends now and then. And taking rides on my bike, of course.
I would like to write, but it seems that it’s almost impossible at present-time. I have written some for my Swedish blog, though. After all: it IS easier to write in swedish! I don’t have to think of grammar or choosing the right/best words, et cetera, as when I write in english. But otherwise! Hardly don’t even think about writing a short story or work on any of my half-done novels.
The sciatic pains holds me down a bit, I realize that. But also, the changes in my life lately makes me tired, yet satisfied. And that’s good! That’s how it should be! All I have to do is to let go of the past and of all that have been “bad”, and stay in the Now. And enjoy it, just as it is.Be as happy with it as I actually am!
With pain in the ass and all… 😉
The image at the top is of the altar in “my” church. And of course I have played around with the photo in my favorite editing program. Pixlr. Exists as apps and on the net. www.pixlr.com
Every day in the week, from Monday to Friday, I get one of these encouraging, thought-provoking Daily Inspiration-notes from NealeDonaldWalsch.com. And no matter what you may or may not believe about spiritual thoughts, you can’t deny this is a really good advice, can you?
– You were supposed to be writing, weren’t you? And blogging!
– So why don’t you?
– You said you would be hardworking now, didn’t you?
– You said you would write regularly, every day. Like a clock!
– No “but”!
– you see..
– No no no! No excuses! Just explain why!
– I… I… turned everything off…
– turned OFF!!!
– WHAT!!! Why???
– to let go of things… of the past…
– I’m just…
– chillin’ out … for a while…
– For how long?
– don’t know… until I’m finished, I guess…
… and will you shut up n0w, please!
– Okay! Okay!
I had intended to read, but somehow – and as usual – I never got around to do it. Didn’t even pick a book. Instead I landed in front of the iMac, started Netflix and watched a movie! I of course scrolled a bit at first, didn’t know what to choose, but then from my list, I picked “The bucket list”.
I’ve seen it before, two or three times, but this is that kind of movie you can see over and over again
Okay! Here are these two guys, you know the actors very well, both with cancer meeting each other on the hospital and become friends. Then a Bucket list is made up, and before they die, they go out for some adventure. Doing things they’ve been wanting to do before they die.
It’s a very touching movie, and as usual this topic makes you start thinking. What would I do if I knew for sure, I’d only have three months left before I die!
I’m not sure I can answer that question, not even privately to myself. What would I do? Travel around the world? Visit Masada, the big wall of China, Paris, Kairo, Rome? Would I travel with the Orient Express?
Travel and see the world would be very nice, no doubt about that. But I haven’t that kind of money, and money sure is required if you want to travel around the world.
But wouldn’t it be wonderful, just to let go of things! Quit the ordinary life, sell all my things and rent or borrow some cottage for the remaining months. Never again worry about the future, nor feel sorry about the past. Don’t ever again think of what he or she said or did years ago which made you so sad and anxious.
Just read the books of your choice, meet people you love, and who loves you. Listen to the birds singing, and enjoy the morning sun against your forehead while your having breakfast. Laugh! Dance! Be in the present every second of your life, and enjoy it! No matter how short or long it may be. Enjoy every breath you take. See the beauty in everything that surrounds you!
Do we really have to wait until Death breathes us in the neck, before we realize we are waisting so much time and energy letting negative thoughts occupy our mind?
Let go of the past, and don’t worry about the future! Just live in the present, do what you love, and love what you do!
Things happen when you move to another city. At least they happen to me. And suddenly there seems to be so much to write about – that the mind goes completely blank.
Two days after the “landing”, the Fatigue hit me. And a hint of a cold. Nothing awkward about that! I had been working quite hard! Both before as well as on the moving day.
So a had quite bad couple of days with tiredness, awful stiffness and pain in the body, didn’t sleep well – and the sciatic pain came back. To and fro I even felt some nausea, but I never got really sick. No fever, no puking, not even particularly much sneezing and such.
Then I started to bike! For 10 days of 11, I biked 95,24 km. Some of those days I biked like 15 km, some others maybe like 5. One day I rested and did other things. It must have been rainign a lot that day.
On day 13 I got serious training-pain in my legs. Especially in my thighs and around the knees. Two days later I could hardly bike at all. My legs got all shaky of the activity. Almost the entire body got all shaky! A very unpleasant feeling. Fearful, actually. What was wrong with me? Is my body so low in Magnesium? But I eat…..
Or is it Potassium I lack?
(I have this nasty habit of frightening myself sometimes. That’s my bad, black imagination. Mostly totally groundless in the reality.)
You see, a couple of days earlier I had increased my daily dosage of Magnesium. My friend Maria had reminded me that stress makes the body use very much Magnesium. And I have been living in stress for a long time, and now the move to this city as top of it
“But I already take extra supplement”, I said.
“But perhaps not enough?”
And that was true! I realized that. The spasms in the back muscles and legs, and the flickering my heart did sometimes should have told me that without having to be reminded by Maria. And then that shaky day on top of it, due to all the extra biking! Why am I so blind of myself?
Nevertheless! That shaky day I had a couple of bananas, ate a load of cashew nuts, took an extra capsule of Magnesium and that was that.
After a couple of days most of the training pain had decreased, and the heart didn’t try to run away any longer. Now I can bike ordinarily again, but I take it a bit easy. Don’t want to overdo it again. Giving myself time!
Then the snow came! For a whole night it snowed, and it was really beautiful the next morning. Especially since the sun was shining from a clear blue sky. And the snow started to melt.
But all of it didn’t melt! When the evening came the temperature fell to below zero. It was last friday and in the evening I was supposed to visit one of my daughters. Though… she lives 3 km away… and I bike… always… and it was really icy… so I didn’t go there.
Instead I entered the nearby grocery store while still outdoors.. Among other things I bought a big pack of Nacho chips, and a small bag of mixed candy. The kind of candy made of nuts and almonds and dried fruit and covered with sugary yoghurt or chocolate.
I usually don’t buy such “treats”! Haven’t done for a really long time. Stupid me…
I had had something with beans to eat just an hour or two earlier, so I wasn’t hungry. I sat down in front of my computer screen, started to watch some movie – and ate crisps. And candy. And more crisps. It started to feel like scorches in my mouth corners. It almost burnt. Was the crisps too crispy? Too salty? Too much preservatives and other such shit in them? (Now you know why I normally don’t buy crisps and such…)
To make this particular story end here and now, I’ll just say: this was late Friday evening. Sunday noon those nasty salty evils, burnt their way out, and my Sunday wasn’t pleasant at all. And on top of that I ate too much. But no crisps…
Now it’s monday evening and I have eaten a huge bowl of mixed sallad for lunch, and a huge plate of boiled haricot vertes for dinner. Much better. I. Feel. Good.
What have I done for fun then? (Wasn’t this fun?)
Well – been meeting friends… been knitting wrist-warmer… been reading… been visiting a flee market (indoors)… been biking (without overdoing it)… been shopping in a (for me) new grocery store where they have lots of varieties of fruits and veggies, and to very sympathetic prices!!!! That’s a good thing!!!
Yes! It is wonderful to live here! And that I so easily could find some of my old friends and at the same times meet new people that I now consider being friends.
But more of what’s on my mind some other day.
Beautiful as a fairy’s butt. With white snow that had been falling during the night, and the sun shining from a clear blue sky. And I stayed indoors the entire day.
You see, the temperature rose to just above zero, and with the help of warm sunbeams the snow started to melt. But it was still cold so soon the biking- and walking lanes became covered with a slippery mess of snow, water and ice. Nothing for me to walk on. Nor bike. I was hoping all snow and ice would disappear during the day.
This evening I was supposed to visit my daughter, M. I intended to bike there. I always bike my way around. But about 6.30 PM she texted me: “It’s icy”. I texted her back and said I had been thinking about that, and would go out for a short test-walk.
The test-walk, with the bike, revealed it was icy spots on the lane. Some big, some minor. But if it would only be like this all the way, it might be okay to go along. I couldn’t take that for granted, though.
I texted: “There are spots. Let’s meet another day. Safer that way.”
Then I went along, with the bike, to the nearby grocery store. Bought myself a couple of things I needed, and a couple of things I shouldn’t have, and went home again. Another way. A slightly longer way. And soon, very soon, I realised I was very very happy I had the bike with me to lean on.
But came eventually home safe and sound. And saw a couple of kids dancing on the ice-spots like fairies.
You don’t do that kind of things after you’ve reached a certain age. Though I can’t say what that age is…
It seems that I’ve reached the comfort level where I not only cook the most basic courses, like for example lentil soups! Yesterday I made mayo to my egg n’ potato sallad. Spiced with lemon and french Dijon mustard. Mjummy!
It’s good to be home where I belong and to meet both old friends and new ones. It makes me feel so much better in every way. I’m coming back! Soon I’ll even write again! More regularly. 😀