For the time being I’m the lousiest photographer ever. Well, I never consider myself being a photographer, but you know what I mean, I guess. I never take any pictures any longer! Other than occasionally one or two from where I live, or just around the corner.

A friend of mine helped me understand why. I’m suffering from something I don’t no what it’s called in English. A burnout, we say here in Sweden. Or as it also is called, a “Mental Fatigue Syndrome” due to stress for a long time.

I knew I had been living in stress for several years which I couldn’t do anything about, and it was a huge relief when I retired in January. It took some time but slowly I started to feel better. My ability to concentrate came back, I could read again, it was fun to blog, I started to work on my novel again and I put in a lot of time and energy. It was SO fun! I loved every minute of it! I also enhanced my biking tours, and in beginning of May I was very hopeful about my health and my future.

That was what I thought! But it didn’t last! Everything started to hurt more then ever before. An inflammation in the hip area, sciatic pain started may 2nd which now runs down both legs. Back and neck pain. Stiffness. Bad sleep. Frustration. Good days mixed with bad days. Hope and hopelessness.

I concentrated on the pain and the inflammation. Turmeic, garlic, ginger, healthy food. Tried to exercise little at a time but every day. Yes, at first I could still read, write, blog, and I did ride my bike – but not as much as I had wanted.
Actually! Biking helped me soften the sciatica and the muscles, since it was very difficult to stand and to walk.
Every morning after breakfast I biked somewhere, and could reasonably well manage the rest of the day. If I didn’t sit too much and for too long periods.

Then about a month ago I realised I became even more tired, irritated, couldn’t concentrate. I even screamed straight out when things messed with me, which I normally never do. I called it ADHD-outbursts and got a bit amazed. I had never done that before. Been screaming and throwing things around me.

My novel became undoable to work with, I was unable to do anything it seemed. I dropped all and everything on the floor. Couldn’t force myself to do the dishes properly, or clean the apartment… my bathroom is semi-icky, my kitchen is icky-icky. I kind of lost myself and couldn’t understand why!

But I have a friend who lives not far away from me. She’s diagnosed with this “mental fatigue syndrome” and had earlier said that I also suffered from it.
“Oh no”, I said then. “I have fibromyalgia and inflammation around the hip bones and sciatic pain. It will pass! Turmeric works! And all the green stuff I eat… bla… bla…. bla…

The truth was, I did eat a lot of healthy food, but I got so bored with it I almost could scream! So between periods with kale and spinach, vegan stuff and super berries, I just had to have bacon or grilled chicken or something with eggs. And got frustrated since nothing seemed to help! I failed to follow the diet I had put on to myself! All those extra vitamins and minerals. I failed with everything.

I did bike, I did try to take walks, I did do my gymnastic training with rubber bands and such. And I did create those posters I had to do. But it was difficult, and I always managed too little, and with too much painful reactions! Or extra fatigue.

All this TRYING!
Takes hours of trying to do something – and still you don’t do it! The dishes for example. Or putting books aside since you can’t understand even one word. Not even being able to watch a movie! Not going anywhere, meeting people. Feeling lonely and depressed – no one loves me, no one misses me, no one cares! Crying. A lot of crying!

Then it was revealed to me, the main cause was mostly psychological! Stress! And that I kept on stressing myself! Probably an inflammation as well, but that wasn’t the main issue, not the starting point. The pain wasn’t the starting point.

I felt really relieved after that conversation with my friend. That and the easy-understanding article she had me read. And she also very clearly pointed out – “You Ninna, are an HSP! A Highly Sensitive Person!”

So after about a month of hitting the bottom (bounce bounce), this big AHA made me feel a bit better. Not well, but better. I’ll now try: not to try so much, not to worry, not to bother. It won’t be easy, but at least it is a way that seems to be the right one. And I’ve written this now. HUGE!

I couldn’t stop pondering how many hours it would take me to finish this blog post. Probably most of the day. And I, who wanted to write something about this in Swedish as well!!! Too much for me to perform now? Probably… At least I have written this. And in English!!! So how many hours did it take? I’m not quite sure. Four?


5 thoughts on “Gathering

  1. You have really worked hard…and in the end realised what was wrong. Good on you! I have been down there as well, in utmattningsdepression. And on my way once more. you can heal yourself, with modest determination and effort. I did not have those horrible pains that you have, but could not read, nor write. Nature healed me. I walkedandwalkedandwalked. Taking in the beauty and greatness around me. But it took more than a year to feel like a whole person again.
    You are on your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t walk. 😩 short walks are okay, if I have done some biking first. I do a lot of meditation and relaxing with soft musik, and until it became too cold I was sitting as much as I could at my patio. Beauty and making things that are joyful are important.
      Sometimes I also paint mandalas in one or another coloring book.
      Thank you for reaching out to me!


  2. Vad hände med min kommentar? Jag skrev en lång kommentar om min egen “gå i väggen” resa 2000. Nåja…kontentan var att du jobbar bra med det – och att naturen läkte mig. Det tog ett halvår innan jag kunde läsa något igen, och då var det bara tidningen jag klarade. Men jag hade inte de stora smärtor som du har, vilket försvårar det för dig. Du verkar ändå vara på gång – skönt. Häng i!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ursäkta, men jag har inte varit inne på wordpress sen en liten stund efter att jag skrev inlägget. Jag blev för trött på ord helt enkelt och gjorde annat. Det ligger en kommentar till här från dig, men den är ungefär lika lång som denna och säger ungefär samma sak. Har du skrivit ytterligare en? Jag kan inte se nån mer, men får kolla på datorn i morgon.
      Tack ändå för dina peppande ord! Jo det ska väl bli människa igen av mig också. Men det tar mycket längre tid än man vill det ska, och är lite lurit på så vis att man lätt misstolkar sig själv. Till och med hos doktorn fokuserade jag på smärtan från ishiasen, men det var åtminstone inte diskbrock och är rörlig i själva lederna. Antar att inflammationen är det samma som bursitis. Och det tar sin tid att läka. 5,5 månad nu…


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