Not only that I have other matters to occupy myself with, I have and I know more will come. Something closer to where I live and where I am in life.
Not only that I get more and more irritated over the “enhancements” that WP has brought on us for the last two years or so. And the difficulties to find relevant information.
What really bugs me, is this that once in a while shows up.
Yes! I was customising! I admit! I had changed the background color on a blog, which I’m perfectly allowed to do, and had just saved it! Then oops!
Shame on you WordPress! This is so rude, and so wrong!
And if it was even possible to customise something we haven’t bought the possibility to customise, it’s YOU who have made some error.
Or…. the thought came to me…
… are you really that stupid that you think this kind of remark is funny!?!?!?!?!?!
No WP! You don’t make me want to stay, nor even less to buy any kind of premium or other stuff by this. On the contrary! You make me want to walk away from WP!
And this message today – which I will point out a bit extra, wasn’t the first time it showed up -It was the last drop!
Old times both because my photos here are old, taken 1 January 2009, and also old as nature formation. Well! Partly humans has caused its rough appearance by cutting stones from the primary rock (perhaps better use the word paleozoic?, the base is mainly granite and gneiss), then the nature has made its course of history.
I know very little about this area, and unfortunately I haven’t got any image with a better overview of it. And awkwardly enough, I couldn’t find any good useful image to borrow on the internet either. Not even Wikipedia! There was nothing!
Sometimes you really shouldn’t try to tell about something, just show the images… 😉
Well! There is a stunning view from this peak out over the west sea, Kattegatt, and I’ll give you what I have. Sorry it isn’t more.
My edited ones…
… and some other…
… and this one I finally did find and borrowed. It’s from the local newspaper, Hallands nyheter 25 mars 2009; image Johnny Samuelsson
Yes sometimes I really do feel frustrated and just want to give up.
Okay! I have slowly been able to increase my biking-tours and I can even walk a bit more now. I’m especially proud of my biking skills now, there are days I bike between 15 to 18 kilometer – if not every day – and I feel my muscles are so much stronger and my heart is stronger so I’m able to push myself more. So despite the fact I still have to walk the bike up some hills and slopes, there are others that I can “climb”. And all this is a huge improvement since February this year. (I have to remind me that sometimes)
But! I still live in pain and stiffness. Often my back feels like a huge knot, and the worst is that it feels all the way up in my head and down the legs. So… yes… sometimes I feel frustrated and want to give up. Will this excessive stiffness – as a board of oak actually – ever go away? Okay okay! I feel better than seven months ago, but still!
I feel like I’m doing the best I can! Am I that BAD that I’ll never succeed getting fit and well! 😦 Will I ever be fit enough to live a normal physical life? A life like I used to live!
Yes! I despair sometimes, and then I have to remind myself that my health HAS grown better. I AM stronger and can move my body a bit more easily. I still have trouble sleeping, but I sleep better now. Most nights. And I have also started to bike downtown lately. I have had trouble with that since it is quite uphill to get back home again. And I choose the less steep streets…
That in turn, have made it possible for me to visit the main City Library, some museums – and some cafeterias. And it is fairly easy now to visit the huge mall just outside the city. Go there for a while, and then bike back home again.
So yes! I have a much better life now.
And still there are days when the back is just too stiff, my head is stuck and I feel unsteady and weird… and I get frustrated and want to give up.
BUT! What is this “give up”? How is it done! What is it I want to give up! I just want to get rid of the pain and the stiffness!!! I don’t want to start eating unhealthy food… nor start smoking… nor eating sweets and sugary cookies… I don’t want to spend my days in the sofa, hidden from people and live outdoor. And I don’t want to feel sorry about myself! And I certainly don’t want to give up biking. I love to bike, have always loved to bike, and have biked a lot – and that is what helps my muscles let go of the stiffness I wake up with every morning. At least most of it so I can deal with the day. Biking!
There are just those days…
I guess we have them all… just in different shapes and colors…
I went downtown today and among other things I visited the main city library. I seated myself down for a while at the cafeteria – Café Birger – and enjoyed some coffee while reading.
The book: Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan. (Which I bought at a Second Hand Shop before I entered the library!) Maybe an oldie in these hilariously fast tides, everybody seems to only reach for the newest nowadays, but nevertheless – a really good novel. And yes! I have read it earlier…
I’m not depressed, but still it is like I don’t have the ability to do something! I read! That’s good. And I love spending time with my daughter and her family. That’s also good. I also bike more and more and I love it! I bike to the mall, or downtown, or to some park. There are people around me. Sometimes I sit down for a while having coffee or something to eat. It’s nice! But on those occasions I’m always alone. I need to be alone – but I don’t want to be alone so much as I am. Recently I’ve felt like I don’t want to go back home again. Even though I’m not with anyone, at least there are people around me whether I spend time at Ikea, at the mall or at some coffe-shop.
I want to write, but when I put myself in front of the Mac, everything goes blank. Black blank. And I feel like I don’t want to. Never. Ever. Again. I don’t feel like blogging anymore (have been blogging since 2007); or visit Facebook (don’t have to); or do anything on Instagram. (well). and I have no idea whatsoever what kind of story, novel or such I want to write. Total blockage!
I also have to force myself to cook proper, nutritious food, to clean my apartment, to go to places – other then when I at daytime bike around in the surroundings… all I seem to do, is the absolute musts – and then sit on the patio or in my sofa, reading or watching movies.
At the same time, I know I actually am a writing person! I have always wanted to be a respectable, published author! I have the skills! And I have been writing stories and other stuff almost my entire life! So what is happening now!
I have one hint, why it’s like this now. My life has changed a lot after leaving work, and moving back home. I’m so happy about that, but I thought I would feel better both physically and psychically much sooner. I’ve been “work-free” for 19 months, and back home for 7, for God’s sake!
Okay! The blogging and overall Internet parts in my life, is closely related to those 11 years I lived in the other city. And since I never really felt at home there, my sub-conscious mind probably tries to delete everything that is connected with that city. It’s logical! And that’s why, I guess, I also have some difficulties to start fresh here, with this blog.
Any other reason to why I feel this numbness? I don’t know. At least not for now. But I’ll keep on trying to write here about whatever it will be. And that’s why I – for now – prefer to be as privat as possible. To heal, to land, to let go of all bull-shit inside of me.
This image is also from todays visit at Dunkers Kulturhus. (The first photo here)
Here looking out through one of the the windows above the main entrance. No, the faces aren’t my doing. They were all over the windows. Almost… I just play around with my photos…
… so … you mean I am doing something right? … so … what is it exactly that I am doing right? Tell me, so I can continue doing that!
Actually! I failed the total-vegan try-out! Well, not failed perhaps, I got some AHAs and I realized several things during that week. Yeah! I gave up after one week… 😦
The “bad” things first!
I didn’t lose any weight at all. Everyone that starts going vegan, seems to lose weight already during the first week. At least a couple of pounds
Each day I got more and more frustrated. I got bored since I felt I ate the same thing all the time. No variations! No surprises!
At the same time as I stuffed myself with good carbs, since I was hungry way all the time, my stomach felt like I was at least 10 months pregnant. I also felt like I only ate beans. Beans, beans and beans! Cooking several times a day – and, beans…
So! Hungry all the time, ate and ate, felt totally stuffed! BEANS! Not fun at all. Boring
Well! Not quite true! I ate fruit and vegetables too. Salads and rice and lentil soups. But it was like I only ate beans and bread. And I normally like beans and eat lots of them! Almost everyday!
Everything was so dry! Nothing was creamy or soft. The food was tasteless, despite the fact I seasoned it quite well.
I missed the eggs, but most of all I missed the butter. Yeah! I admit! I missed the butter very much! And I missed the bean burgers I used to do. With an egg in the batter, fried in butter… they are sooooo delicious!
The positive about this week, was that I fully realized I already used to eat quite well! Maybe a little bit too much, but healthy food to at least 95%. I never eat cheese at all, and haven’t done so for many years – nor any other dairy product. Exceptions from that latter are really rare and comes in very small doses. I only occasionally eat meat, poultry or fish, and then in not particularly large portions. I do eat a lot of fruit, veggies, tubors and such and also nuts and seeds. I avoid processed product, never white refined sugar. I sweeten my cakes and cookies with for example a banana, dates or other kind of fruits and berries.
So on the whole, I didn’t eat bad at all! I don’t! Except, I have eggs as staple food. And I use butter. And that was more or less the issue! Would be easy to let that go as well and learn a bit of new cooking I thought… wouldn’t it? HA! Little did I know!
Forbidding versus allowing The worst about this week was probably that I had forbidden myself to eat eggs and use butter. And the key word here is forbid! That made me keep on thinking about what I wasn’t allowed! Not to be able to fry food the way I was used to. I missed the taste of fried food, and it is NOT the same as when frying without fat! Neither in feeling nor in taste!
Of course there is food that doesn’t need any fat! I don’t need oil in my salads, nor when I bake bread just to mention a few examples. But on the whole, I realized I have to allow myself to eat what I want, and then choose not to! I can say to myself: “I can eat it whenever I want, but not now. I am the one who’s in charge here. No one else!”
I can allow myself to have a window open to eat whatever I want, even grilled sausages and pommes frites if I choose to! And then I don’t have to think about it!
But – at least for the time being, I’ll try to cut down on eggs and and use less butter. And learn more about how to cook vegan.
There are some issues though, that I can’t do anything about! Gluten, wheat, rye, barley! I can’t eat that. I become ill! And I am at present time testing if I can eat oats again, but sadly! It seems that I can’t! 😦
Therefore I’m also quite limited when it comes to vegan cooking. So many of you seems to lean on wheat! Bread, pizza, pasta, cakes…
Okay! There are alternatives! But they are so much much more expensive, and they don’t satisfy the hunger equally well. So! There it is!
When it comes to fruits and vegetables, there are some limitations. We can’t grow everything here, so things like avocados, peaches, nectarines, bananas, pineapples, et cetera, has to be imported. Many of these are also seasonal – and expensive. Bananas, oranges and apples are mostly okay. BUT! And the most awkward stupid thing – Swedish apples aren’t less expensive then imported ones! Sometimes they are, in the autumn! Yes! But that seems to be some kind of “drive”, to make people came and shop also other items. And let’s not talk about organic options. Bananas! YES! Even organic are “huge” here in Sweden, and affordable!
Avocados is not only expensive (mostly), the worst thing is they are also very unpredictable. Since they, as bananas, have to ripen on there way to us, they often comes here not thoroughly ripe. And even when bought ripe from the store, they may be too ripe, more or less black inside or with roots. Who wants to eat that?! And it doesn’t show on the outside! So I’ve stopped buying avocados though I really like perfectly ripen ones. But it’s too much of a chance. Why would I threw my money away on inedible food!
But I can find frozen, diced avocados … not unexpencive – but I don’t have to throw anything away.
So! To be honest! Money issues, and the fact that I can’t eat everything without being more or less ill, makes me have to choose my own way in this. Still let myself have the opportunity to sometimes eat meat, poultry or fish – in small amounts and rarely – cut down on eggs and butter as much as I can – and learn more about how to cook vegan so it will be easier for me to find alternatives to my diet.
Because I still think whole-grain vegan eating is the best thing to do. Both for the environment and for us people. Considering some personal differences in what we can and cannot eat, and what benefits us the most. We just have to find our own heathy way.
And I, who was only reaching for a “Hopper”…
What this is and why I took this picture?
Well, I was biking through an industrial area when this skyscraper just popped up in front of me. Beyond where I am, the highway is entering the city from south, with lots of trees and bushes on each side, and beyond that is another area with mostly four-storeys and a couple of six-storeys buildings with ordinary apartments. And in that area they have recently built this huge building!
When I came closer and didn’t have these industry buildings in sight, it looked even more ridiculous. Just green surroundings with some rooftops here and there, and so this – tower!